New Years resolutions can be tough for many autistics. For one, we might struggle with that ever so contrarian characteristic we call Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA.
Secondly, rigid routines can make adaptation of new habits more difficult.
PATHALOGICAL DEMAND AVOIDANCE
PDA is largely misunderstood. Many think it simply means being oppositional, or digging in ones heels, but it goes much deeper than that.
Of the many complex components of this, the few I’ll focus on here include:
1. Failing to see a logical reason for something.
2. A feeling of not being able to meet our own expectations.
3. A contrarian nature to popular trends.
So, how do all of these play into setting New Years goals? Let’s start with our need to see the logical purpose in something.
We can all agree that setting goals for ourselves is beneficial to our personal development, so we’re not missing the logic in the overall concept of setting positive targets for ourselves. Where the logic begins to unravel, is probably more in the timing of it all.
Every day is an opportunity to set advantageous objectives for ourselves. Why do we suddenly all do this at some man made time interval we’ve collectively decided is a ‘New Year’? What’s so special about this day over any other day?
Many of us might see these resolutions as trying to bite off all our self-improvement in one big chunk, leading most to spectacularly fail in one big chunk as well. You know… Rome wasn’t built in a day and all…
Instead, we could be using every day as an opportunity for gradual and manageable growth and personal development.
Even if we did want to make drastic changes all at once, any new day is just as good as January 1st as far as our logic is concerned.
Our expectations of ourselves:
Our sense of PDA does not just oppose other people or external situations. Often times, we are our own worst enemy because our demand avoidance sinks its teeth into the very demands we make of ourselves.
Our attention to detail and perfectionistic tendencies can make everything seem bigger and more insurmountable. This can cause stress and overwhelm which, eventually, leads to shutdowns.
If the executive demands we place on ourselves are unobtainable, it is understandable why our employee half bucks against our supervisory half.
And finally, many of us tend to deride trends or despise anything that everyone else is doing.
Like... for example.... the entire world deciding they’re going to become better people on the exact same day.
If it were just a matter not understanding social cues or reduced social motivation, we might simply be indifferent to trends or popular expectations… but in the context of PDA, expectations may be the key word.
The core of PDA is a strong aversion to feeling controlled or pressured, leading to intense anxiety when faced with demands. So perhaps, everyone doing a thing can feel like a demand in and of itself.
SAMENESS AND ROUTINES
Autistic people thrive on consistent routines, and sudden changes or new habits required by a resolution can cause significant anxiety and discomfort. Even seemingly minor changes can be an assault to our need for control and predictability.
So trying to adopt a whole bunch of new changes all at once can trigger fear and stress for a lot of us. Not to mention that even if we tried, our executive function deficits often get in the way of us actually accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves.
In a sense, all of this is just another area where we judge ourselves by neurotypical standards, even though we are not neurotypical.
SOLUTIONS AND HOPE
With all of that said, we are capable of personal development… and setting goals has a positive impact on our mental health.
Having objectives to strive for provides us with a sense of purpose, direction, and accomplishment. It makes us resilient, and achieving any goal big or small, releases dopamine. We just need to look at it differently, because we’re different.
Every day we need to remind ourselves we’re neurodivergent; not in a defeatist capacity, but in an empowering one. If you’re anything like me, you’re reminded of this in almost everything you do… yet we continue to hold ourselves to neurotypical standards in the work place and in the perception of our value.
Think about what strategies might work for YOU, because what might work for me may not work for you. Don’t shut out “neurotypical” solutions. Despite how much we talk about how many NT approaches don’t work for us, some of them might.
Take the S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) approach for example. This might actually tickle your autistic attention to detail and satisfy your need for challenge if you have the comorbidity of ADHD like me.
Make your goals a part of your routine.
Set visual reminders like calendars, charts, or check lists. Visual aids can also make our goals seem more concrete in nature. Include in these visual aids inspirational quotes and motivational reminders as well!
Use interests as motivators.
Seek support and accountability from friends or family member.
But most importantly, practice self-compassion and celebrate small wins.
If you fail to meet your goals today, remember tomorrow is a brand new opportunity– because logically we know that change and personal growth doesn’t have to happen on January 1st...
Video forthcoming – thank you for subscribing to my blog!
Love, Jenn
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