Slaying Dragons

Hear ye, hear ye. My first ever blog post!

I’ve had a few people subscribe to my mailing list and I didn’t know what to do with it. Is a blog supposed to be more like a journal? More informational? I already have a journal page and an art page, am I duplicating efforts here?

A blog could be anything I suppose. Informative, personal experiences, opinions, current events, how to’s…

But as per usual, me thinks I think too much. So, I decided to grab onto a singular idea and write about it… jump right in as they say. Formalities be damned, lets freeking go!

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The double empathy problem. Have you heard of it?

It’s not having so much empathy that there’s double. It’s communication differences between varying neurotypes.

When you get neurotypicals together they report understanding each other and relating better. Same goes with neurodivergents talking to neurodivergents – more understanding, less miscommunication.

It’s a theory, but the theory suggests that us neurodivergents don’t have a DEFICIT in communication. It suggests we only have perceived deficits when talking to neurotypicals. So, maybe the neurotypicals are the ones with the deficits in talking to us?

I find odd little reminders of this, and I had such an instance with my son just the other day.  

We recently bought my son a new tablet for Christmas. His old tablet had such little memory on it that he could only have one or two apps on it at a time. He would often have to delete texture packs for Minecraft in order to update the app when required for example, which fractured his little special interest world in a painful way.  

We purchased a memory card to add some storage, but it made no difference for apps that required internal storage.

You didn’t ask for justification on why we got him this gift, but my rabbit holes usually drag my audience kicking and screaming down a confused path without their consent; so, buckle up.

We downloaded an app to control the time he gets to spend on the tablet. After some time, he came to tell us (with a high level of frustration) that the tablets timer continued ticking down while in sleep mode.

No biggie. We offered him a solution. He just needs to tell us he needs more time and we can remotely add it. But, he continued to express his frustration with the senselessness of the settings of the tablet not recognizing when it’s not being used.

His dad continued reassuring him of the easy solution... even offered a second solution of being able to turn it off between uses. So, back and forth they went in this discussion for a while, running around in circles and chasing each other’s tails.  

I stopped and realized in this moment, his need to have this illogical and unjust system acknowledged and addressed before he could move on to considering the solution.

Why?

Because I myself struggle with this very same thing.

This isn’t just a need to be validated. It’s not as simple being heard and understood either. No, everyone needs that. If it were that simple, it wouldn’t be a communication problem unique to us. For an autistic, it goes deeper than that.

In his mind he had compartmentalized this component of what he was trying to convey to us as it’s own separate chapter that needed attention. He needed someone to acknowledge how senseless this function is, and the unreasonable nature of it requiring a work around.

"We needed to slay this dragon on the path before we could take another step forward."

And so, as the discussion between my neurotypical husband and my autistic son continued on, I interjected and told him “I hear you about the timer counting down and reducing the time on your tablet even when you’re not on it. I understand that is a setting on there that needs to be looked at and if we can change it, it should be changed.”

 “Yes!” he said happily, and the conversation literally stopped right there. He smiled and moved on.

My husband looked at me in surprise and kind of laughed a little, as if I had just spoken some magical elven language that only my son and I were fluent in.

Dragon down. You may now move forward in your quest.  

This wasn’t validation... this was acknowledging a need. We had to take down an obstacle by acknowledging it before we could move on.

Yes we have a desire to be understood, but often times we have an even bigger desire not to be misunderstood.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not able to meet all of my sons needs nor do we literally speak some secret language that my husband can’t understand.

My husband lovingly sat down to play Minecraft with him the other day because he knows that stepping into the world our son exists in is such a special way to connect with him, which is just something I can’t bring myself to do.

He has a neurotypical father, and a neurodivergent mother.

He gets the neurotypical sprinkles of love and patience from his dad that are so desperately needed for nurturing his wellbeing.

But I will always be able step in from time to time and interpret that secret elven language that his dad can never truly be fluent in...

And I think that’s pretty cool